When you open your eyes after what was supposed to be a full night’s sleep you expect to see some light in the sky so I was confused when I couldn’t tell any difference with my eyes open than when they were closed. My alarm clock was blaring with that annoyingly repetitive ‘wah wah wah wah wah wah’ as if to say “Yes I know its only 6:30 am and the sun has yet to shine but get your ass up anyway.” I slammed my hand down on the ancient machinery silently hoping it would break, but no, it’s as sturdy as a rock as all ancient machines seem to be. “They don’t make them like they used to” my dad used to say. Too bad it wasn’t a lie. I swore as I swung my legs over the side of the bed and put my feet on the cold wooden floor. Rushing to the bathroom didn’t minimize the affect of the searing cold on the soles on my feet after they’d gotten used to being snugly tucked between my flannel sheets all night. I turned on the shower and brushed my teeth hopping from one foot to the other. Thankfully, the water turned hot pretty quickly so I jumped into the tub with my toothbrush still sticking out of my mouth. By the time I was done with the morning ministrations to all my little nooks and crannies, the sun had decided to peek over the horizon. ‘Shit!’ I thought, ‘I’m gonna be late.’
I had only just gotten one leg through my pants when I heard someone banging on my front door. ‘Who the fuck is at my house at this time of the morning?’ I thought to myself as I shoved my other foot through my pants leg. I stomped to the front door pulling my shirt over my head thinking that whoever had the unfortunately luck to be at my door at this time of the morning was gonna get it for sure. Cursing myself yet again for choosing an apartment without a peep hole, I unlock all the locks and violently open the door.
“What the fuck…..” I started to say before my voice completely betrayed me.
“Hi Michaela,” she said simply as if we’d only seen each other the night before. As if she could just show up at my door like nothing happened. As if she hadn’t ripped my heart out by walking out of my life.
“….are you doing here?” I finished finally finding my voice again but it didn’t sound like me. It sounded as if I were talking through a voice box. I cleared my throat and repeated the question.
“What. The. Fuck. Are. You. Doing. Here?”
In typical fashion she didn’t answer the question. Instead she walked into my house uninvited and unwanted, brushing by me as if there was never any possibility that I wouldn’t let her in. I stood there with the doorknob in my hand not quite believing her gall.
“Um, no,” I said quietly, shaking my head. I walked toward her trying to keep a rein on the anger I was feeling but she must have seen the menace in my face because instead of sitting down, she backed up a bit. I’d never seen her do that before. Could it be she was finally getting a clue?
“Michaela, hear me out,” she begins in her most persuasive, ‘don’t you want to kiss me?’ voice.
“No again.” I say to both. “Get out. Get out now before something bad happens to you.” Because in that moment, I could honestly see myself causing her bodily harm. I could see my hands go around her graceful neck and start to squeeze. I could see her eyes go wide with fright and alarm as she lifts her hands to try to loosen my grip. I could hear the small grunts makes as she struggles for breath. Those lips that could kiss my frustrations and pain away would open to receive the air her lungs needed in vain. But instead of giving in to my violent fantasy, I pointed to the still open door and said, “Leave. Now.” And then I closed my eyes because even though I wanted her to leave, I still couldn’t bear to see her walk out the door.
I smelled the faint scent of her perfume on the breeze coming from the door before I felt her put her lips against mine. She smelled of vanilla and her lips felt like velvet and suddenly the memories of the way her skin felt under my hands invaded my brain leaving me almost helpless with desire – almost. I returned her kiss but for just a moment before pushing her away. She stumbled and fell back onto the couch. My fingers ached to push aside her jacket, rip open her shirt and expose her chest that was now visibly moving up and down. Her eyes were wild with expectation. This was what she wanted; to see me lose control and take her forcefully at the mercy of my passion. I can barely breathe as I turn around and walk away determined not to repeat the past. I grab my jacket and my keys off the table near the door.
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